The Impact You Have: Yield Points in Real Relationships

If you’ve been wondering about the impact you have on others: not in theory, but in the small, human moments, come in. This room sits with the weight and softness of that question.

Picture by Louis Le Pessot

Uh... you genuinely don't notice how much you hurt other people when you talk like that... right...?

Yeah... you don't. I can see that... in your expression, in your eyes.

So... I don't really know how this one is gonna go.

It's been days since my mind has been doing gymnastics around this topic, but I am tiptoeing around it.

How are you feeling about... talking about something that might come off as critic? But it is not really. And I'll clarify later why not.

Well... then... can we talk about it?

Yes... I've been a little bit quieter lately, and yes, it is because of this. I just needed the buffer.

Well... yeah, you hurt me, but... please don't panic about it. It's ok, I am ok. I just can't say the same about others.

Maybe, yes... I am just observing. I am not anyone else, I can only talk about my experience.

If you only let me talk, yes.

...

Every time you talk just like you did, you end up, without meaning to, hurting other people. Me included. I think I finally understood So‑and‑So’s feelings when they snapped at you.

No... the thing is... you have a bias, just like everyone does. You already have a preconceived way, you believe in how things work because they worked out pretty well that way for you. It's just like those gurus on the internet teaching about their success. The catch is, success is much more, it is not a recipe. If you are at the right place at the right time, or executed something at the right place at the right time, if you have prerequisites, connections, your brain workings... it's who you are, have been, and even luck. Why not?

No, on the contrary, anyone that loves you would LOVE to hear you out about your problems, about your wins, about your truths. But every time you talk like that, you “diminish” us in some weird way, and that has more to do with our problems, with us, not with being unhappy for you or necessarily mad at who you are. Because usually... you don't get angry at the root cause in yourself, you lash out at the external, obvious cause of your discomfort. Usually a person or a situation, in this case, it's you.

It's like... instead of thinking: “I am sad about my situation, and it has nothing to do with them, they just triggered the thought,” it ends up being someone not being so nice with you. The way you react causes feelings like:

- Don't they trust me?

- C'mon, I am here being nice, and it never lands, NEVER. Why can't I be enough even when I am being nice and genuinely happy for them?

- I am here to support and help when there is trouble, I keep affirming so, but it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other. Why am I here then?

But it manifests on the outside with people saying you are being too cautious or ungrateful or just being outright plain angry and not talking to you.

No... I don't think it is a matter of you changing who you are or filtering everything you say. I don't think that works, at least... not for building genuine relationships.

Well... first, because it is stressful to be adjusting to everyone’s expectations, and second... well, that is personal experience. I did so for many, many years in plenty of relationships out of fear, and in the end I just made really shallow bonds with people. Because if I went out of script, something was wrong. I could not be myself. I had to be who they expected me to be so the relationship worked... Therefore... no. I don't think that is the answer.

... Don't swing like that... being genuine is always better. That builds good relationships. Anyone that truly loves you won't have issues in disagreeing with you. Actually, healthy relationships have disagreements and are able to respect each other regardless. You can argue and come to terms even when there is an impasse. And there is also more empathy... I didn't lash out at you because I understand you are not genuinely trying to hurt me when you talk like that.

Well... I don't know. I think my only advice to you is that... there is a yield point. Just like springs. There is this point of how far it can be stretched before it is damaged or cannot go back to its initial state. And different people have different “spring constants” or a strain capacity, how rigid or flexible someone is to the adversities in that relationship.

And I would say... that goes as far as: “People can only meet you at the depth they’ve met themselves.” It's not like people are deaf walls. But the empathy goes both ways. You might need to evaluate its footing or maybe change the expectation of their reactions... as it has not been so positive. You can also change your input, but I wouldn't recommend going as far as matching expectations. You need to allow yourself to be yourself and others equally so, but there is some perception needed there.

I wish... I wish I had those clear answers. No, I don’t want you to change who you are. I truly love you, quirks and all, or else I wouldn’t be here having this conversation. This is not easy. I just want you to understand the impact you have.

Relationships have limits. Empathy goes both ways and often wavers on who’s compromising. Awareness matters more than self‑censorship. And relationships need authenticity to be real.

There isn’t... a right or wrong here.

You’ll just have to figure it out along the way.