Confidence After Fragmenting Yourself for Too Long
If you’ve been noticing how fragmenting yourself to fit certain environments leaves you low afterward, come in and sit with me.
This one is about fragmentation, I think.
Maybe.
If it’s an actual concept, I’m unaware.
You tell me.
Anyway…
I had a dream.
I sleep, dream, wake up, sleep again,
like everyone.
It’s rare that I drag myself out of bed to write it down.
But when a dream sticks,
I know it has more to it.
I was going to a wedding.
Supposedly a wedding.
In my understanding, a wedding.
The thing is:
I knew I had no invite.
I knew the host.
I knew where it was.
I knew everyone was coming.
So I went.
Which is madness.
Girl, who do you think you are?
Regardless…
I went.
The “wedding” was in a uni auditorium (?)
Question mark.
You know...
sloped floors, stadium‑style seating.
Those.
What a boring event.
I was so underwhelmed.
I didn’t say it,
but I felt it.
“What a waste of time.
I should’ve taken not having the invite as a sign.”
I talked to people I apparently knew.
At one point, the host was there,
and an old acquaintance tapped his back saying:
“How could you have missed so many invites? Even mine!”
And with a shy smile, he answered:
“There was a mistake.”
Printing mistake?
Or something between the lines?
Who knows.
What. A. Boring. Event.
Off I went my marry way to my room.
Why did I have a room?
No idea.
Even without an invite, I had a room.
The event was held somewhere else,
a massive complex.
Ridiculously huge.
Like a giant shopping mall
with food courts, stores, classrooms, event spaces, sports areas,
and four dorms or... hotel wings.
The place was so HUGE
people commuted inside on mini golf carts.
And it was packed.
I wandered into places that looked like bus‑station restrooms.
I obviously knew where I was going.
At one point, a bored person at the coin‑fare gate told me
I was in the “wrong color.”
Okay.
I walked some more.
And saw something by the corner of my eye.
Someone’s arm was cut
near the elbow
by an invisible line,
a fishing line from the sky.
Just…
Pop.
No blood.
No pain.
The cut limb floated near where it had been attached.
The person stared at it, confused,
then carried on.
So did I.
Later I met a friend,
and we got a golf‑cart ride from some random man.
Have I ever ridden one of those?
No.
Have my mind done the magic?
Sure.
He talked small talk.
I answered small talk.
My friend was quiet as usual,
he doesn’t put much energy into small talk.
One of the odd ones too.
When he stopped for me,
I guess finally in “the right color”,
the man looked deep into my eyes,
finishing a sentence I couldn’t hear,
but I felt he was hinting:
“I know something.”
My mind:
Oh… the line.
I hopped off.
And surprise, surprise!
lines started releasing down.
Dozens of them.
Everywhere.
I crawled.
Like under those net obstacles.
People were being cut,
or had already been cut.
My vision blurred.
I crawled toward what seemed to be an emergency exit,
just a bright patch of light.
I was the only one panicking.
Crawling for life
in high heels and a pretty dress.
Everyone else
just stared at their floating limbs
and carried on.
And I woke up.
You guessed,
before reaching the light.
Damn it.
By now, you’re either thinking
we’re crazy‑dream buddies
or I’m just crazy.
But, remember?
If a dream sticks with me,
it means something.
When I had that dream,
I was low.
Few sleepless nights.
Mood down.
Nothing bad had happened,
Heck, I’d just been to a party.
A good party.
Not really within a circle that shares my path.
Not confidants.
Mostly social contacts.
Great people nonetheless.
And until that dream,
I had never noticed,
but every time I get together with them,
I come back low-ish.
Not because they wish me ill.
But because being there inserts me into an environment
I once inhabited,
once believed in,
once abided by,
but am now trying to move away from.
So it’s shaky.
And I know it’s on me.
I’m the one who needs to believe in my own path.
No one owes me reassurance.
But let me expand.
The conventional path
has built‑in markers and feedback.
You keep going
until the next checkpoint
where you receive a reward.
The problem lies
when the reward
is no longer rewarding.
If you haven’t made the connection:
the dream was about fragmentation.
We cut ourselves to fit environments.
We keep being sliced by invisible lines
and simply moving on,
even when the “wedding” is underwhelming.
If everyone is there,
we try to be too.
Don’t get me wrong,
a healthy dose of adjustment is indeed healthy.
Don’t go rogue.
We live in a society.
But that’s exactly why gamification works, uh.
The green bird keeps your streak alive.
And it’s all fun and games
until it’s just for the streak.
Why were you learning anyway?
At the party,
someone stopped everything near midnight and said:
“I have (an impressive amount of years worth of) streak! I need to do it!”
What an ironic memory.
It’s probably similar to a good itch.
Your brain wants you to shoo something that shouldn’t be there.
The satisfaction comes from the release of feel‑good chemicals.
Brain rewards when human does good.
If human does good, human survives.
Flawed, maybe...
but effective.
Problem is,
society modernized faster
than our brains could keep up.
And the same mechanics still apply.
So we get exhilarated
from ticking boxes,
from reaching markers,
from external positive feedback
from people living the same.
But we don’t feel accomplished
if those aren’t things we truly want,
if they’re only things we’re expected to reach.
So the brave you.
You change.
And just deciding on a big change is hard.
But carrying on without markers,
persisting without external feedback,
it’s by no means easier.
We’re wired to pursue rewards.
Like the fast dopamine of scrolling.
On a path without prompt rewards,
it’s harder to believe things are “right.”
And now you might ask:
What does everyone else have to do with that?
You chose.
Well… nothing.
But perspective matters.
If you thought I was going to say
“leave circles that don’t serve you,”
that’s too black‑and‑white,
even though it’s been "highly advised" on social media lately.
Though,
I’m technically already out of the circle.
I already feel that.
Therefore...
If you think about it:
There’s no greater option,
only the right option for you.
No golden star for suffering more (or less).
It’s all points on the same scale.
"Do I just poof?"
"I don’t feel good after."
"I would love community that shares the same values."
"There are toxic relationships out there,
but they treat me well."
The problem isn’t them, right?
As I often say,
there are three things we can do:
Accept as is.
Change what we can.
Remove ourselves.
In this case:
I need to change how I interact with the environment,
grow a thicker skin,
stop being a sponge,
and discern the depth of my relationships well.
No wrong expectations on them.
No wrong expectations on me.
And second:
believe more in myself.
Not because of everything I’ve already done,
I can always change my mind,
but because lack of traditional markers
doesn’t mean nothing has been accomplished.
In the end,
Confidence isn’t one thing.
It has degrees.
It expresses itself in many ways.
Recognizing all of that
is my first step.
And if you feel the same,
something for us both to work on.
Cheers.
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