Setting Boundaries When Old Roles Follow You

If setting boundaries feels harder with the people who still see an old version of you, come in. This room has enough space for the irritation that rises before clarity does.

Photo by: Sushrut Koche

So...

I should probably take a shot every time I say “so.” My life would be more entertaining.

My health would disagree, though.

Hi! Welcome, or welcome back.

I'm Leticia, a 30‑something questioning her conditioning of “inexplicably” feeling triggered when certain people give unsolicited instructions.

I think this one is going to be really dilly-dally style. I do not have an answer for you, but I am adamant about awareness. Even if I feel the frustration of logically understanding something but not being able to actualize it.

I bumped into an acquaintance.

He was pretty annoyed looking at his phone.

Not someone you would see “annoyed” much, mind you.

It was because someone was being nit‑picky and “ordering” him around, it seemed.

And instantly, my brain went, “Oh. I know this.”

Funny enough, not someone you’d expect that from.

Most people, I don’t think, would expect this from me either.

Anyhow, maybe it is just my perception, but it brought me back to this relationship dynamic I have.

This one is probably for anyone who doesn’t usually have problems receiving instructions but feels quite annoyed when certain people do so.

I notice this in myself.

I usually don’t mind being questioned or being told how someone wants something done.

I might question or disagree. But if it’s specific, it’s specific.

You guessed it: I don’t usually mind most people.

I have this relative.

It’s always family, isn’t it?

Because they are family, they were always around.

We don’t have a bad relationship,

nor a good one.

But they’re not neutral either.

Every time they don’t show up, I need to compensate.

So rather than a 0, maybe a -10.

And that goes for everyone.

They are simply not reliable... have never been.

Not a bad person, just someone who has no bandwidth for anyone else other than themselves.

Actually, they need other people to help them manage themselves (unfortunately).

Therefore, anyone involved makes up for anything they need that involves them.

“What else can you do?” old me would think.

And so the world spun.

Has never stopped.

Has been going strong.

And then… they now have more time on their hands.

They are getting older.

And I guess they decided to anxiously “inform” people around them of things that have not been done.

I must say, I don’t think it’s ill‑intended.

Nonetheless: ANNOYING.

The thing is, as I said,

whatever it is,

it is going to be done in due time,

by whoever already does it,

when they are available to do so.

Do you get the picture?

They do not do the thing.

They are just there to inform anyone who will listen about it, expecting it to be done.

They also don’t necessarily know how it needs to be done,

but they are there anxiously dissecting the situation in hopes of giving you (the person who has always done it) instructions on how to do it, when to do it, because... why not?

Annoyed already?

You know when you say “shoo, shoo” or “off you go”?

That feeling.

“Hey, the world has always spun without you.”

And to my understanding,

they would feel really sad and dismissed if told so.

Who wouldn’t? No one wants to be shoo‑shoo’d.

But… argh. It’s the truth of how we feel, even if we hate admitting it.

Do I have some issues around hyper‑independence? Yeah.

That might be your case too.

There might be some bleeding there.

But I ask myself to what degree that would be an issue.

I’ve also thought about patterning.

The brain gets antsy when it notices changes in pattern,

even when the change is objectively good.

Granted, you would rather have them doing the stuff.

But hey, hey.

Maybe that’s the cue? If they are not against learning to do so.

If they are, I am sorry for you.

Just as much as I am for me: that’s my case.

And you might be thinking: What then?

I have no idea.

I think in a positive setting, in which they would gain agency,

the brain realizes the new pattern is safe and predictable,

and there is less stress response,

less annoyance.

In a not‑so‑positive one,

well... my hopes for myself are just to teach my brain that I shouldn’t expect otherwise.

Not expect other behavior.

Nor the agency.

Nor the non‑anxiously‑instructional pattern.

As annoying as it is, it’s how they behave. (and it doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon, not even with the clearly direct and indirect annoyed cues we’ve given)

Let’s repeat the maxim together: we do not change people.

Also, if you are like me, this probably triggers you because of a dynamic your body remembers.

Something learned at some point for adjustment reasons.

“If I don’t do it, no one will.”

“If I don’t do it right, I’ll be blamed.”

“If they point something out, it means I failed.”

“If they pointed something out, I’m already behind.”

Sounds familiar?

We were the ones who had to notice, anticipate, and execute.

So when someone points, it can be even insulting.

It’s not the task, it’s the implication.

You didn’t notice.

You’re not doing enough.

You need direction.

When all along you were the one who actually kept things running.

So, I am here to say:

1. You don’t need to anticipate everything.

2. Their lack of initiative is not your responsibility.

3. You don’t have to respond to every cue.

Oh, and this is not about “fixing” your personality.

It’s about unlearning the role you have fallen into.

As for me, I just hope that changing my expectations of other behavior will help me spend less energy on an already known pattern.

I ALREADY know it’s how they show up, so why do I even bother?

Well... the body reacts before your mind does.

It’s called conditioning, Leticia.

And yet, here we are, falling into the same trap again.

All in all,

I’m not saying you’re wrong,

and I’m not handing them excuses either.

We all have issues, 'kay? okay.

Of course, you know your situation better than anyone.

You’re an adult sharing space with another adult.

Children get a (semi) free pass - Shall we raise less troubled adults than us?

I’m just saying: they might not be on the same page you are.

In which case, it’s not worth starting a war over it.

Some battles are just not worth fighting.

Especially when it’s not realistic to win them over.

So...

Setting Boundaries.

Yeah, boundaries.

You’re tired of hearing that, aren’t you?

But boundaries, for me and for you.

Not to fix them.

We can help, but we can’t fix or change.

So our new role is to protect.

What?

Our pretty little precious peace.

Go there, and do more of that.